Give the girl a hug (and a slap)

Unlikely sympathiser Kelly Osborne has jumped to the defence of Peaches. 'The way I see it,' she said, 'she's a very lost, sad little girl. And at one point I was like that, so I don't want to judge. Instead of picking on her, they should try to help her.' She did however say she would rather 'eat her own head' than get married in Vegas and that she thinks Peaches did it all for attention and that's 'a bit sad.' Whilst Kelly seems to think all Peaches 'needs is a hug', her insults suggest she's more a fan of tough love.

Blake has lost his appeal against his prison sentence for the 27 months he received for GBH. Amy has also threatened to leave him unless he completes the rehab course she forked out for and stays clean. The £30,000 tab will be even more of a slap in the face if rumours that Blake is leaving Amy for a better model (so to speak) are true....

Nicola Roberts has had to flee her £500,000 house over fears it might collapse. Most would have advised her to stay, I doubt the world would have missed her whining

The F Word and The C-Word (cheater, not the other c-word)

Oh dear. Looks like Gordon Ramsey's in trouble again and this time it's not his potty mouth or the fact he ate a puffin that's put him in the naughty corner. Ramsey has been accused of having a secret seven year affair with author Sarah Symonds. The dad of four has shrugged off the allegations that his marriage is in trouble but Symonds is known as 'Queen of Infidelity' and has already had an affair with Lord Jeffrey Archer and wrote a book on advice for mistresses and Ramsey has allegedly had several meetings with his new bit of crumpet. However when asked about the affair he simply replied 'It's time for Sunday lunch. I'm starving.' Simple and to the point.

My new best boyfriend

Poor Paris hasnt taken splitting up with beau Benji Madden very well. Apparently our second favourite President has taken to following him round LA in an attempt to win him back. She even tried to persuade her gaggle of witches to head down to club Villa when she heard he was there. Unfortunately the only wingman she could muster was Avril Lavigne who I doubt would have been much of a help. Not to menti0n the fact Benji scarpered the minute he heard Paris was on her way. Totally Paris Hilton, anyone?

Pic n Mix

• Madonna's quickie divorce went through in 8 mins
• Russell Brand is the bookies' fav to deliver C4's alternative Xmas message
• Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz have called their baby Bronx Mowgli. That is stupid.
• Amy has paid for Blake's £30,000 rehab tab
• Natalia Imbruglia and Rhys Ifans were seen kissing and groping all night at the Atlantis Hotel bash in Dubai. She is surely about his market value?

britney to play GAY after x factor

Trouble in paradise

Killer storms have hit the I'm a Celeb camps in the jungle, forcing the stars to flee for their lives and caused fights to break out among the dreicht campers. Newbie David Van Dry refused to sleep in cave, maintainting that one of the original campers should give up their beds. Simon Webbbbeeee then flew into a rage and stood up to David and was joined by Joe Swash. David eventually backed down and joined Timmy Mallett...well, in his defence, you'd have something to say about it if he was your bedmate. In other news, judging by the front pages of the tabloids, looks like the storm water has washed away Nicola McLean's bikini. Again...

Weird...

Friend to the aliens, Robbie Williams has gone weird again. He is now letting the man who played a robot in his favourite sci-fi show Lost in Space, Bob May, after his home burned down. Bob was apparently impressed by Robbie's memorabilia. That sounds rude but I'd love to make a fly on the wall documentary about the latest odd couple all the same.

And finally...

• Katy Price has launched her lingerie line for George at Asda
• Will Young takes anti-hairloss pills for his ever regressing barnet.
• The stars were out in abundance for the opening of the Palm Resort in Dubai. Kylie Minogue performed and Lilo, Misha, Agyness, Robert De Niro ... and Rhys Ifans (who WORE A TIE) all rolled out for the opening of the 1.5 billion resort.

Whoops...

Silly Peaches Geldof could find that her shotgun marriage to Max Drummey may prove a costlier mistake than she'd ever anticipated. Peaches didnt sign a pre-nup which means hubbie Max is eligible to half the trust fund she's due to come into when she's 21. Who needs paperwork when you're young and ... reckless?

GIRLS ON TOUR

Lilo and Sam Ronson have hit London hard and have the fallout to prove it. The lovely ladyfriends had a blazing row about Calum Best, who now claims to have turned Lindsay gay, who was in attendance at Chinawhite where Sam was DJing. Sam was heard to ask 'does he still do it for you then' before Lilo stormed off to the VIP section. Then to add insult to injury Sam got chatted up by Everyone's New Favourite Lesbifriend Jodie Marsh. Sam apparently looked appalled. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Jo is glassed (and everyone silently applauds)

Jo O'Meara had a glass thrown at her as she performed with reformed minigroup S Club 3 (why didnt they just change their name?) and had to be taken to hospital for treatment. This has been the first incident of its kind since the group began their comeback tour but as soon as Jo stepped onstage the crowd began booing. Maybe this just didnt like the music?

And finally...

• New Jungleite Nicola McLean has said she'll be up for a bit of girl-on-girl action in the jungle. Clearly no one has told her the only lesbian on the show is ex-tennis ace Martina Narvratilova.


• Caprice gets a reality check: http://www.heatworld.com/Article/7958/Caprice+/Were+VERY+embarrassed+for+Caprice...

Jungle Wags

This year's 'I'm a Celebrity' will be the battle of the WAGS with Carly Zucker, Nicola McLean and Dani Behr all heading off to jungleland. Will outspoken Carly get too big for her boots in front of Granny Wag Dani or will they both join forces against Tits McGee herself Nicola McLean. Other celebs include Simon Webbe, Joe Swash, Brian Paddick, George Takei, Martina Navratilova and Esther Ranzen. But really who's going to be watching them when WAGgate is taking place. Oh, and Kilroy is there too. He's guaranteed to say something horrific.

Don't you know who I am?

Brad Pitt got chucked out his own movie premiere for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button because a security guard didnt recognise him and thought he was a press photographer.

I'm ok! I'm ok!

Jesse Metcalfe has had a lucky escape after falling off a balcony at VMAs. Despite falling 40 feet he escaped with bruises, cuts and sprains and suffered no broken bones or brain damage which is lucky because without his intellect this world would be much the poorer.

Have you washed your hands?

After punching a photographer the other day and scrapping all over the shop Amy Winehouse tried to make amends with photographers who gathered outside her Camden home yesterday evening. Amy, minus beehive, explained to the gathered paps that she hadnt been to see Blake since he was released from jail because she has a rash over her entire body. Nice. She then showed them a hospital tag on her wrist which read 'Amy Civil' before offering them cheese on toast. I sincerely hope they didnt eat it.

And finally ...

• Katy Perry is releasing a clothing line. Fried egg hats and maggot dress anyone?

Cottoned off

Fearne Cotton and Steve Jones have split after three months together. Apparently Steve has something of the wandering eye and after a whirlwind romance things have fizzled out quickly. Steve's previous conquests include Pamela Anderson, Halle Berry and Natalie Imbruglia. Is he ticking them off a list?

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN

Britney's son is fine (I know how worried you've all been) after having been rushed to hospital on Sunday afternoon following a seizure. Turns out it was an allergic reaction to something he ate. Something tells me Brit's home cooking is not quite up to scratch - 'what, not hungry for your hair soup boiled in my tears and regrets and stirred with a crazy stick?' Toxic, indeed.

EXCELLENT lyrics

Peter Andre has released some snippets from his new album on his website and I doubt very much the following lyrics will do his apparently strained relationship with his wife any good:

“We've forgot how to love each other / when was the last time we went out together / we never communicate / always at each other...”

If you're bored just spend a bit of time counting the grammatical errors in that section alone.

Pete also released a mission statement: “Peter has a dream. His dream is to fulfil his desire in creating music in his own image.” Music that looks like a tit?

And finally...

• Looks like Chantelle's WAG dreams are finally coming to as she spotted leaving Jermaine Defoe's house with, and I quote, 'erotically tousled hair.' Concrete evidence then. Is it even allowed to use the word 'erotically' in the same sentence as Chantelle? Isn't there a law or something? If not I am making one.
• This isn't scary at all: http://www.samedifferenceworld.com/KidsClub.html
• This is wonderful: http://www.omnomnomnom.com/random/index.php

Free Blakey and other stories

They tried to make me pay for rehab...

Blake Fielder-Civil has now been released from prison but has to wear an electronic tag which was part of the terms of his release. He is now in rehab for a seven week course of treatment in Surrey and Amy is reportedly refusing to pick up the £30,000 tab. Rumours currently circulating that German model Sophie Schandorff is especially pleased at Blakey Boo's release will not be helping Amy's mood. When Wakey Woo was sentenced to 27 months last July it was she, not Amy, who was in court and the pair mouthed 'I love you' to each other as he was sent down. Amy is now said to be in two minds about the marriage and declared to a friend in an emotional phone call: 'I don't know if I want to be with him.'


Awkward...

Poor Duffy had been told she had won the Best Newcomer award at the EMAs and had put on a nice dress, brought her family and brushed her hair accordingly. Bit awkward then when Katy Perry nabbed the gong...

Winealike

Pete Doherty was seen canoodling with a mystery Amy Winehouse lookalike after a gig in Camden. If things get any worse with the real Winehouse and Blakelite he may well soon be able to upgrade to the real thing. What a car crash that would be.


They think it's all over...

The marriage we all thought would last forever is reportedly over after 96 days. Apparently Peaches has decided she doesnt fancy him anymore and is to return to the UK shortly to begin divorce proceedings. Bob is said to be delighted.

And finally...

• Kanye West did a widdle on the floor of the dressing room he shared with The Tings Tings at a pre-EMA bash at Liverpool's Carling Academy. To be honest, if faced with the same opportunity to show the The Ting Tings what I really thought of them I can't say I wouldnt do the same. Altogether now 'That's not the loo, that's not the loo...'
• Sophie Ellis Bextor is expecting her second child with Richard Jones.
• Craig David has been awarded an honouray Doctorate of Music from Southhampton Solent University ... they had heard his 'music' before, right?

America is saved

Brit barred

As the news that Barack Obama has become the first black US President breaks, so too does the rumour that Britney Spears had her invitation to Lilo and Sam Ronson's lavish US election party retracted when Sam discovered that Brit is a big Sarah Palin fan. Brit apparently thinks that the terrifying Palin is a style icon and a strong inspiring woman. So nothing to do with the teen pregnancy family ties then.

I promise to take you DJ Tom...

Sarah Harding is engaged to DJ Tom Crane and proudly flaunted her engagement ring as she celebrated with her fellow bandmates at the Music Industry Trust dinner on Monday evening. They are apparently planning the mother of all rock n roll weddings and have already spoken about starting a large family. Enough to start the next S Club Juniors perhaps? Tantrums Aloud?

Like father like daughter

Georgia May Jagger seems to be a chop off the old block as the 16 year old turned heads when she rocked up to the Vogue party in London this week. Can't say I see much of her supermodel mother in her though...








And finally...

• Xtra-Factor presenter Holly Willoughby's parents must have got a bit of a shock when Simon Cowell revealed their daughter was pregnant live on air on Saturday. They didnt know. Opps. Awkward. Simon then took Holly and her parents out for a pricey meal at a slap-up restaurant to say sorry.
  
• As we all expected Russell Brand's tail-between-his-legs (so to speak) exit from the Beeb (and indeed the UK) has done him no harm at all. HBO have now approached him about fronting a Friday Night Live show from Universal City.
• Jo O'Meash, Bradley McIntosh and Paul Cattermole are planning to unite once again as S CLUB 3. The others are too busy dancing / on the dole / weeping to take part.

The quiet before the storm

All the celebs seem to be catching up on their beauty sleep ahead of the EMAs this Thursday and it's all a bit quiet in celeb land today but in the mean time here are some funnuggets:

Rocking out

Heidi Klum proves she can do more than pout and Seal bait with this new video for Guitar Hero:
http://www.heatworld.com/Article/7858/Heidi+Klum/Heidis+officially+the+most+fun+model+EVER!

Like Boyfriend Like Girlfriend?

Jessica Biel is to follow in the footsteps of boyfriend Justin Timberlake and is set to launch a pop career. She is already working on an album with some big music names. Maybe they'll be the new Kylie and Jason?

MORE Jordan and Peter

Jordan has tried again to squash rumours of problems in her marriage by saying her and Pete plan to have AT LEAST three more children and also adopt more kids. I hope they form the new Von Trapp Family Band.

Back to Plaque

For the record I thought of this headline before I read it in the Daily Mirror. So I am using it. Ok. Fix up, look sharp. Let's go adventurers!


Amy is looking reasonably like a real life human being thing after a week of early nights, no booze and no naughty drugs after undergoing a series of tests at hospital following a recent lung infection. She has since been given a clean bill of health (which seems dubious) but she does seem to have swapped one addiction for another another: e's for E-numbers. She has recently installed a £5000 fairground sweetshop in her flat complete with candyfloss, Slush Puppy and old-fashioned sweet shop counter. From crack high to sugar high.

Princess Paris to become Queen Paris?

Looks like Paris may have to record her EXCELLENT new single 'Paris for President' ( look on in awe and wonder at the musical car crash here http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=k4WDjuiQmxA ) for a more British audience after Wills and Harry met up with her for a drinking session recently. Paris recently said 'I've kept in touch with William - he's really good looking. But I prefer Harry, he's more my type.' Could royal wedding bells soon be a-ringing? This is a truly terrifying thought.

And finally...

• Peaches has been caught shoplifting for the FOURTH time at Luna and Curious boutique. She must be running out of excuses now.
• Lilo has been axed as co-host of the World Music Awards with Jesse Metcalf. The honour now goes to Denise Richards.
• A slightly egocentrcic final point, but I discovered that Tina Chen's videos are back up on youtube. If you have a problem with these I am not sure we can be friends ... http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=zSbL8VqAje8&feature=related